Taps To Toast: Tickling Triads

To Your P.O. Box

2012-01-29T02:18:00.006+08:00

If my emotions are each a living character on stage, expressing themselves in their rawest nature, I reckon my audience would be watching in a state of perplexity and utter confusion. For even I could not fathom the workings of my own emotions.

A dear friend of mine has left for a place oceans away from where I am. Unwillingness first took centre stage and all I had in mind was how I could possibly deal with his absence. But Realisation woke me up to the inevitability of his leaving and so gradually, Willingness, in its tiny measly form, attempted to take the lead. And this was when the other characters conjured themselves, some aiding Willingness to a stronger stance, some hampering Willingness from showing its full form. Excitement and Joy was always at the sides of the stage, portraying my wish for my friend to have a fresh beginning and a discovery-filled journey in a land that he has always wanted to be in. Yet on the opposite side of the stage, Selfishness and Fear occupied my mind with thoughts of how I would cope, how I would feel. It was a tug-of-war of emotions. Time passed and eventually, my friend took off, now with his feet set on a land far, far away from here. And as if by magic, with the arrival of my friend at where he is now, Selfishness and Fear disappeared, leaving only Excitement and Joy to hoist Willingness up. Unwillingness disappeared too, and the stage is now bathed in complete excitement for my friend's exploration of a new place and his new life, in utter joy for his finally walking on the lands of his desire, and in genuine willingness to let him off from familiar surroundings back here. It was almost like a flick of switch that turned off the spotlight on that which is negative and to have all lights focus on the positive. I cannot understand how emotions could turn on and turn off in such a way, but I digress. That which is most important here is that my friend is in a good place, with exciting prospects of a renewed life, and there is only reason to celebrate. He would only be away for half a year, but I am confident that this not-too-long yet not-too-brief duration would be his learning experience. And boy, am I excited for him!

To my dear friend,

There really is only reason to celebrate. The moment I reckoned you have touched down and set foot on the grounds of your dreamed land, I realised that in so many ways, life for you will only grow to be more fulfilling day by day. What used to be bitterness about your leaving has now transformed into shared excitement and joy. And I am truly, truly thankful because I can now think about your presence there rather than your absence here. I learn that it is more valuable to acknowledge the wonderful things you would encounter and learn, than to dwell on yours having left here. So go ahead and experience. An exciting path is set before you, and you are free to travel upon it. What an opportunity! Life is treating you fine, dear friend, and I am happy that you are embracing it. Be refreshed, be excited, and most of all, be present to the awesomeness that you are immersed in right now! Have bucket loads of fun being rejuvenated by life once more - happy discovering!

From seven hours ahead, with love,
Your constant friend =)

You and Your Light, I with Mine. Rise and Shine!

2012-01-01T00:56:00.005+08:00

Sunshine, here I come!

May you, I, and everyone have bucket loads of fun on our journeys of discovering our sunshine and shining it through the leaves of each other's lives.

Happy 2012!

Reparation at Plateau

2011-09-29T00:15:00.004+08:00

There is so much to be fixed. While I am constantly repairing, or rather, attempting to repair, that which I perceive to be broken, the pieces do not seem to bind. Sometimes they do, but their fragile nature renders them highly susceptible to repeated breakage, very often caused by the unstable kaleidoscope of emotions. Within that cylindrical container that holds its own tiny world of colourful possibilities, there is, I reckon, a constant struggle in attempting to keep the colours in check. It is not that I do not try, but sometimes trying can be so easily over-ridden by the want to let the colours take their own swing and to draw the image that would be viewed - even if the colours stem from such triviality and immaturely nonsensical thoughts. Indulgence may bring sweet pleasure but in certain circumstances, indulgence brings one back to where they started from - a jumble of broken pieces, mended again and again. It is a monotonous cycle of reparation and breakage, catalysed by the weakness of my feeble mind.

But a feeble mind and a foolishly delicate heart cannot be the master of my self. To dwell within the nooks and crannies of self-indulgence is pathetic.

To the Higher One above,
A constant heart, that which is sought,
For tire have I, in indulgence, been caught.
Your guidance and light, I pray is brought,
Feebleness be taken, I ask, from the good lot.

Repairing.

Circle of Confusion

2011-03-18T18:34:00.003+08:00

I try to put forth who I wish to be and who I think I am in front of other people, in my relationships, in my communication, in every other social situation. In a way, sometimes the person I am in the eyes and understanding of another individual is not who I genuinely am. And by trying to be who I want to be, I am also conditioning myself to think and accept that who I want to be is who I am. I suppose it is an unconscious process. I say unconscious because at times it takes reflection and retrospection to realise that I actually was not entirely comfortable being that person I was. And when I am not comfortable, it could very possibly mean that I was being someone I actually am not. Perhaps that is a rather superficial way of perceiving self-identity but I will digress on this matter. Simply because I am still learning.

The irony is, by being what I wish and think I am (which means not being entirely me), I have also unconsciously showed parts of myself which I intended to hide, by portraying myself as the person I desire and reckon to be. So this portrayal of identity that I adopt really is a circle within which I fumble around in search of myself. And because I have not given myself liberty from that circle, I wonder how many people that I have come to know and become acquainted with have been pulled along into my own confusion of who I truly am. I was confronted by one today and to be absolutely frank, it gave me a heavy heart. Not because of the unconscious unveiling of a layer of me that I had rather left masked, but because of the fact that I have unconsciously betrayed the expectations of an individual. I was trying to be a friend that I want to be, but in the end, I became an acquaintance who did not understand enough, who showed her true colours. And to think that I have left an impression of such nature, it just loads my heart with guilt, dissatisfaction, and disappointment - heavy heart.

P.S Thanks to a talented pair of strangers (whom I have only got to know) who made wonderful music together at an unexpected time and place, the weight of my heart was taken off a little. The absolute wonders of music.

There is so much more I need to pay attention to.
There is so much more for me to learn.
There is so much more for me to discover, and that includes who the genuine me really is.

Always learning.

1 Metre Square Expansion & More to Come

2011-02-18T10:59:00.004+08:00

Thank Tank

Entry #3

I am so grateful for friends who are so accommodating, so witty, and so spontaneously hilarious. I would love to say more about them but I have only recently started to spend more quality time with them so I am still learning about them, gradually discovering each of their unique awesomeness.

For that change, or rather, addition, to the "hang out group" to happen, I extend my thankfulness to the natural flow of life's everything. There was no planning, no rehearsed conversation starters, no getting-to-know-you sessions. This large circle of friends was based solely on spontaneous thoughts, decisions, and actions. And it is an extremely beautiful thing because it is such a comfortable process of building a friendship.

And because of the way life's daily happenings move in such a fluid way and because these individuals that I have only begun to know are such amazing people, it has allowed me to step out of my comfort zone. Small steps may intimidate a little, but big steps evoke an uneasy feeling, tempting me to concoct excuses so I can stay safe and comfortable within the self-set limitations of all the awesome things that I can actually do to learn to embrace life more, to be more appreciative of the existence of the people I have in my life, to love more. It was just a basketball game, but that brief two hours somehow liberated part of me from my comfort zone then, extending its perimeters, enlarging the scope of "things that I am comfortable with". Basketball is a sport that I do not know how to play (just as every other game-sport there is) and the thought of playing it with my friends gave me the butterflies because I was then deciding if I were to stay cocooned or to take a peek into a refreshed way of living. At that point of time, the fluid of life took control and helped me into deciding on the latter. And I cannot be more thankful because those two hours of running, catching, passing, attempting to score, and most importantly, laughing and really just having bucket loads of fun, was wonderfully liberating.

If there is anything I have learned, it is these two things.
1. Friends are not determined by who we want, how we want them to be, and when we want them. They just come along into our lives anytime, anywhere, and anyhow and touch our hearts with their amazing qualities and their awesomeness.
2. Comfort zones are OK. They do not symbolise weakness, they are just a boundary set by humans due to their natural tendency and need to feel at ease. But the perimeters of our comfort zones are open to be flexed anytime, anywhere, anyhow, by anyone. Allowing people and experiences to positively enlarge our comfort zones is a beautiful way to get to know ourselves better, to expand our horizons. Just as precious as that is to be able to intertwine our life stories with amazing friends and awesome experiences.

Cheers to my awesome friends and the ever-reliable natural flow of life's everything!

You Want Me, You Want Me Not

2011-02-13T22:49:00.005+08:00

It can be rather annoying when one wishes to be in the midst of certain people and to involve oneself in their lives (even if it is only of the slightest importance), but regardless of whatever effort that is put into realising that wish, one just seems and feels so detached. At times like this, I ask myself a question I wonder if I should ask myself - "What have I done or not done?"

Detachment, I found, can be part of a healing process. It allows us to move away from our blind spot to see the bigger picture. It gives us the space and time to repair ourselves, or rather, to realign our attitude and behaviour with that which is truly ours. More often than not, I find myself becoming a person I am not as daily experiences mould me. The focus here is not about positive or negative changes, but about the permanence of change. And here is where I have an issue. Some changes that occur within me are temporary, very easily eliminated by time and overlapping experiences. These temporary changes often leave me feeling as if I have lived with a self-concocted behaviour, in unintended hypocrisy. When I finally realise the existence of an unreal me, I look for detachment. I look for a new watching position so I can watch where the unreal me had stood and what the unreal me had done. Sometimes detachment breezes through the undoing process, sometimes it inches through. Regardless of the speed it takes, I usually come out feeling more authentic and more comfortable with the person I am.

There is, however, if decided upon, a follow-up to detachment - reconnecting. The truth is, the people and experiences which moulded me into the person I was not at ease with are not at fault. Not at all. But by detaching I also detach from those people, those experiences. And as I have undone the temporary changes within me, I also learn that connections should not be left undone. So I make attempts to reconnect. To be absolutely frank, I am still learning to reconnect. I suppose just as detachment is, reconnecting can be a quick easy fix or a long arduous process of mixed emotions. I also suppose that reconnecting can be a risky step to take because the detachment process may reverse. But I am still learning, and I have yet to know. As I attempt to reconnect, I find myself outside a circle that was already formed before I felt comfortable enough to graduate from detachment. At this moment, the thought of trying to get into or back into the circle is almost like presenting myself as a familiar intruder. And hence I ask myself, "What have I done or not done?" What have I done/not done to be completely out of the circle? What have I done/not done to not be able to be in the circle? And the situation can be annoying, perhaps because I have yet to find an answer to the question, perhaps because to feel on the outside of things when I wish I could be on the inside and when I feel comfortable enough with myself to be on the inside, is disappointing.

Do I regret detaching then? No, definitely not. If anything, it is detachment that gave me the courage to reconnect. May not be a smooth ride but really, is anything ever? And should they be?

Stepping Back

2011-01-31T14:26:00.006+08:00

"...I resolve to post daily, or close to daily, about everything that I am thankful for." - January 14th, 2011-

Let's tweak that sentence a little.

I resolve to always remind myself to be grateful for being able to experience emotions, favourable or unfavourable, pleasurable or painful.
And I shall post whenever and whatever emotions lead me to post.

Perhaps by doing so, I am breaking a promise I made to myself. But I have to say, I had rather break a promise now than to keep empty promises to a time when I would break them anyway. And I said I would break them anyway because the truth is, there are times when I feel bitter that I cannot find in myself the space for thankfulness. I came to realise that I do not yet have the maturity to be able to feel truly and completely thankful regardless of situations and circumstances. At this point of time in my life, I am still learning to not be bitter, a negative feeling that I still get when things do not go the way I would like them to. Before I can transform all that bitterness into acceptance, to strive to be grateful despite the lemons life hands me is merely a fake effort, false gratitude, because I am leaping even before I can walk steady. And having false gratitude is an extremely sorry state to be in because I am achieving nothing but self-deception.

Perhaps a better thing to do is to not try to reach too far beyond at a premature time. By doing so, I may catch hold of my supposed goal but the over-extending stretch that I push myself to make in order to reach that goal could very easily turn the experience into one that is only painful. Worse, the pain may be so overwhelming that my vision may be blurred and I may end up reaching for the wrong side of the goal.

Therefore, I will allow my emotions to take the ride it wants. As the ride makes its stops, turns, rises, and falls, it will remind me that it is the very proof that I am living and still learning. This ride will bring me on a travel no earthly places can offer, and I would, hopefully, grow with the ride, and undergo natural adjustments to my emotions and my grasp on constant gratitude.

I have learned to be more thankful now than I have ever been, and that is why I am able to conceive of the possibility that I am taking too big a step. While I am still offering my daily gratitude, heightening my senses to the abundance of awesomeness that is around me, I am also learning to deal with my emotions.

Travelling on and learning.

Right Now

2011-01-16T22:17:00.004+08:00

Thank Tank

Entry #2

I finished! This is not even the end of it, but already I am feeling so good. Liberated. Perhaps I will wake up tomorrow morning feeling just the same as I did this morning. But oh well. Today, I am thankful for a day spent well-focused. I am thankful for the motivation He provided so that I could finish five lectures in a day. And I am thankful for having friends who were just as excited about my "accomplishment" as I was.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Thank Tank: Forever in Creation

2011-01-14T01:10:00.004+08:00

I have not been giving much attention to Gratitude lately. Before it becomes a mere word, a textual beautification, a verbal polish, I must realign my distorted version of gratitude with that of Gratitude - the true thankfulness. And to do that, I resolve to post daily, or close to daily, about everything that I am thankful for. All of which I would be expressing gratitude for would be put into a virtual bottomless container, serving as my personal:

Thank Tank

Entry #1

I am thankful for having experienced an "academic plunge" when I was in secondary school. Now I am able to comfortably accept moments of "did not do well/did rather badly". No more self-pity, more of "know it, accept it, and do something about it".

I am thankful for how the mind sometimes recalls things at random moments. Things that can encourage one to make decisions he or she never really thought of making. I made a decision and I made a tiny change. Tiny, but I feel good about it. (James Brown style!)

Thank Tank
Forever in creation.

Happy days!

#1 on 11.1.2011

2011-01-11T00:38:00.004+08:00

First post in year 2011 - a year which started off awesome, and which I know would continue to be so (because I resolve to create awesomeness, even from the most mundane of life routines).

Lots of love for my sister and her special one, for inviting me to tag along with them to a stroll in the city.
Gratitude to my friends who warmly took me in as part of their countdown outing (my first ever).
Bear hugs and kisses to my lovely daddy and mummy who completely crossed their boundaries to allow me to have a different and fun start to the new year. (Happy 30th Anniversary!)
Praise to the All Seeing, All Knowing, Always Creating One for providing me with the motivation that I need to "get things going" (I am still on ground Unsteady but I am working on it).
Thanks to a friend of mine who is always willing to keep me company, especially when I am bombarded with sudden pangs of loneliness.
Much appreciation for my friend with the beautiful eyes for taking such good care of my plant when I was away.
Shout out to the cleaners who left a very meaningful note under the door of my friend's room.
Thanks to her for showing me how to make anyone feel like "a hundred dollars" (I quote Oskar from "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer).

I have an abundance of beautiful, amazing individuals and life happenings to be thankful for, and this is balanced by the abundance of beautiful, amazing things that I can create and learn from in this fresh new year.

What I have learned so far from the beginning of 2011:
* I have the power and strength to break away from my own habits or tendencies.
* I can do so much more to make the people around me feel more appreciated.
* I can feel free to expect more than what I set my expectations to be. Because anything is possible.
* Hold on dearly to family and friends. They are the ones who make life more awesome than it already is.

You, I, Life, Mother Earth.
Awesomeness in the making.

Authentically Awesome

2010-11-07T20:58:00.003+08:00

To find that you truly appreciate the presence of an individual and/or individuals only after a considerable amount of time spent together may be looked upon as moments having fluttered into a growingly distant past or as a resounding reminder of the awesomeness that these individuals possess and the awesomeness that they have emanated and are still emanating directly into one's life. I choose the latter.

Spending an otherwise unproductive weekend with friends whom I have not seen or even spoken to in quite a while was a rejuvenating time. It was rejuvenating because it made me aware and awake again to the connections I have almost neglected. Precious connections, irreplaceable by newfound ones, because these individuals are so amazingly authentic in their own quirky ways.

You are a loudspeaker, a good ol' reliable loudspeaker.
You are a laughing machine, a machine of infectious laughter.
You are a verbal mirror of emotions, a reflection of sincerest desires.
You are a pillar of reliability, a constantly available help desk.
You are an adult child, a mature soul within which lies and from which shines a child's enthusiasm and creativity.

You are all Authentically Awesome.

With deepest gratitude,
Love to all of you!

Tube of Realisation

2010-10-16T14:26:00.008+08:00

To be from where I am, one would learn to despise local train rides. I have not had my fair share of encounters with instances of a failed public transportation system so I'm not numb to train rides yet. Numbness would only mean that I could not be bothered anymore with delayed trains, selfish passengers and stuffy coaches. Train rides would just be a passing blur of necessary commute to get to my destination. And that would be sad because then I would not be present to the present and so I would be spending an hour of every week in a state of non-existence. Hence, I am grateful that I am not numb to train rides. Not yet, hopefully never. I am happy that I am still complaining about it and dreading it. To still have reaction to unpleasant experiences means that I am existing in that moment of unpleasantness. Which means I exist in moments of pleasantness. Which means I am just as capable to react to pleasant experiences. And that would not be sad, that would be awesome.

To the train ride I had yesterday night,I thank you.
You showed me the night outside from the windows of your cooling, spacious tube.
You evoked in me a fond familiar feeling of arriving on the tarmac of a foreign airport at night in a dimly lit cabin of an impressively constructed aeroplane.
I thank you too, street lamps in the distance, for that, because you are the very stimulus to the evocation of that feeling.
Thank you, train ride on the night of yesterday, because you reminded me that I have much more freedom than I had just a few months ago.
To have that freedom, I am reminded that I am now more free to feel, to explore, to discover, to learn, to create, to experience.
I was close to going into a state of unawareness of this freedom I actually am so privileged to possess.
Thank you, train ride, for nudging me into my present.

You are awesome, train ride, because you made me a happy person, even if it was only
for that hour.

You are awesome, freedom, because you can come self-invited anytime, anywhere.

My Anything

2010-10-11T11:58:00.004+08:00

This is not excitement, this is not a sudden gratification for the fact that I am alive and well. This is Something. It is Something because it can be Anything. It is Something because that means it has the endless possibility of being whatever it wants to be. And it can create Anything. That is the most awesome part of it.

I want to sing.
I want to laugh at myself.
I want to laugh with people.
I want to laugh with life.
I want to sing laughter.

I want to be awesome.
I want to let my family know that they are awesome.
I want to let everyone who has made a drive through my life know that they are awesome.
I want to be that one spot of awesomeness in a whole dense sphere of awesomeness that makes this world so awesome.
I want to let my family and everyone who has made a drive through my life know that they are the spots of awesomeness in my embodiment of awesomeness that makes me awesome.

I can want whatever I want. And this Something will be the tool for me to create my Anything.

Feel free to conjure up a world of your Anything.

Nomad. Know & Do.

2010-06-04T15:40:00.002+08:00

Within the perimeters of music, I was a nomad. Shifting from the zones of Making & Listening to Just Listening, I was consistently inconsistent. Thankfully, I was never out of the perimeter. Sadly, often times, I would look or think about the piano in my house and create that I wasn't in the mood to do anything with it. At other times, I would look or think about the guitar that sits next to the piano and create that I wasn't in the mood too or that I wouldn't get to pick up learning this new instrument on my own. Even with the most intimate instrument that any individual can have - our voice - at times I would create that I "didn't feel like it". Very often I would fantasise about having the talent to do whatever I want to on the instruments I play. But then there would always be that "If only" which hampers it all. Hence, a nomad I became.

It frustrated even myself to be a nomad because I definitely had no intentions to be one but within myself, there was always this collision between knowing and doing. I know but I just did not allow myself away from the plateau, taking off from imaginary flatness.

This week, I participated in a choir competition. This being my first exposure to an international coming together of music, in a way, I was enlightened. Short of being a big scale event, its humble size perhaps enabled me to be more absorbed in the moment. And those two hours of music and choral singing allowed me the mental preparation for a take off from where I am right now.

Being completely enraptured in music is a wondrous flight for the mind and soul. I know because I have been on the flight. But I have forgotten because it's been too long since the last time. Watching my fellow singers and musicians delving deep into their musical selves only fueled me to search again and unleash mine.

For as long as I have typed, I was careful to use the past tense especially when mentioning I was a nomad. I may not have taken off yet, but I create that I am not giving the time and musical experience I had this week its fair justice if I don't take off anytime soon.

To a crescendo of a take-off and a consistently consistent flight,

I know and now I do.

"Feeling"

2010-04-10T14:15:00.002+08:00

The vastness still lies before me.
I am not standing on the same plateau anymore, therefore I do not view the vastness in the same way as I had when I first arrived.
The ground I set my feet upon now - it feels like another plateau.
But "feeling" is only a feeble state of mind, an allowance of inactivity.

The vastness still lies before me.
I have nothing to race against.
I have all passiveness within myself to overcome.

"Feeling" is a feeble state of mind, an allowance of inactivity.
Hence I need to "feel" less, but "know" more, "create" abundantly.

The vastness still lies awaiting before me.

"I'll Be Sad Later."

2010-03-19T14:49:00.006+08:00

The above words were said by Eliot's mother when she and her husband were on the Oprah Winfrey show.

Eliot's parents, out of volition, made the choice to share the gloriously beautiful story of their little baby. Now countless hearts have been touched, many souls have been awakened.

99 days of pure happiness, celebrating the existence of a precious infant.

A lifetime of wonderful memories, rejoicing in the eternal happiness of God's little angel.

Classic!

2010-03-17T14:51:00.004+08:00

Problem statement: Does the effectiveness of humour decrease with the number of times one watches a particular movie?

Hypothesis: The effectiveness of humour DOES decrease with the number of times one watches a particular movie.

Apparatus and materials: "Mr. Bean's Holiday" movie

Procedure:
1) The movie "Mr. Bean's Holiday" was watched for the THIRD time.
2) Results are recorded as below.

Results:
1) Audience (which only comprised of myself) cannot help feeling pleasantly entertained.
2) Audience (which only comprised of myself) had a good giggle.

Conclusion:
Hyothesis is rejected.
The effectiveness of humour DOES NOT decrease with the number of times one watches a particular movie. (Particular reference to "Mr. Bean's Holiday")

* The above experiment was not conducted according to proper scientific procedure. Any statements made in the report above are solely the personal opinion of the individual who carried out the experiment. The individual takes no responsibility in the case of any other individuals choosing, out of own free will, to trust the words of the individual who carried out the experiment.

* The above conclusion only pertains to the movie "Mr. Bean's Holiday" (perhaps also to the episodes from the truly classic "Mr. Bean" series) and no others as the individual who carried out the experiment had used ONLY the above movie as the subject of the experiment.

Attached to this report is a clip of the individual's most loved scene:

Vive le Bean!^^

Stand Firm, Not Rigid

2010-02-04T13:38:00.006+08:00

Try carrying out a routine which you have been doing at the same place, for the same duration of time, now at a different place, a different atmosphere but still keeping an equal amount of time. I have tried it and in a way, it creates a different effect, or feeling, if you may. To describe that difference would be pretty tricky as it really is a very subtle, almost insignificant difference. But as minor a change as it may be, it is actually very detectable.

When I realised that, my mind somehow created an immediate connection between the above situation and the way we think or perceive. I would liken both this way:

Routine act & Time = Our mindset
Location of carrying out routine act = The concept within our mindset

It is really an obvious analogy. When we do a certain activity for a certain period of time at a certain place, and then try to do it in a different location (even if that means only moving from one room to another room or having music on when it used to be that there was only silence), it is almost inevitable that there will arise a particular difference in the effect or feeling which we would get after the routine. Similarly, shifting the dominant concepts or ideas which are contained in our mindsets would definitely create a difference in the way we perceive and ultimately, in the way we feel about ourselves and the way we act.

Random thought: I am beginning to sound like a motivational speaker. But really, my intention is just to speak/post/type my thoughts (which were created this morning).

Just after typing the above sentence, I was interrupted by a man who checks the electricity meter and gives electricity bills (I call them simply as, the "electric men"). That short encounter itself has given me an extra point to support my thoughts. It is now noon here and the KL sun is perhaps laughing out a hearty one (a little too hearty, perhaps). Walking from house to house with a little calculating machine in hand, dressed in an all blue uniform, I don't suppose being an "electric man" is exactly exciting. But this man whom I just met a little while ago portrayed otherwise. Walking to the meter with a jovial hello, passing me the bill with a thankful welcome, moving on to the next house with a smile in his voice, humming loudly, I could sense not a hint of reluctance or boredom. I am not yet capable of deducing the activities in his mind but I am almost certain that the level of joy and sincerity he has in his job is empowered by the fact that he created himself to be so. Or rather, he allowed himself the space to create a mindset which would bring him happiness and enjoyment in life, regardless of circumstances. Needless to say, another little encounter I am happy to add into my bagpack of gratitude.=)

I myself have been a victim of a stubborn mind. There is a sense of false accomplishment that I obtain when I seemed to have successfully stood my ground. But I think the question is, by being so deeply rooted into the ground we are standing on, are we allowing ourselves to grow?

Exploration and creation in life (whether minor or major) can only truly begin when we free ourselves to explore and create flexibility in our minds, carrying our roots along.

Mind Over Matter

2010-01-28T13:09:00.007+08:00

As I am typing this post, listening to the enthusiastic cries of a little boy to his parents next door, I am wondering what my friend in her "kampung" is doing. I am inspired by her decision to remove herself from the hustle and bustle of the city to indulge in the tranquil and freshness of her "kampung". If I had the place and opportunity, I would not hesitate at all in spending a good three months in a "kampung", a real "kampung". Taking in the natural scent of Mother Earth, embracing the beauty of a simple life of giving and sharing. I have never been to a true "kampung" so perhaps my thoughts of what one really is are not accurate, but I hold conviction in its wonderful simplicity no cities can offer.

While I am here in KL thinking of, discovering and trying ways to be a contributing child of Mother Earth, my dear friend is reaping joy and fun from her chilli planting project. It is not a major one, as it is obviously shown in the pictures (which also show the other larger planting grounds), but the moral profits she would and is already gaining, are, I believe, very precious. To watch something grow from a seedling into a fruit-bearing plant, to foster care and attention on the wellbeing of it, is definitely an enlightening experience. What is more, she is giving back to the soil we have all taken so much from.

I may choose to blame circumstances for not being able to accomplish what I desire - in this case, to spend time in a "kampung", to give back to Mother Earth like how my friend is doing. On the flip side, I may choose to gather the resources that I have now and shower my concern on feasible projects with the tools and materials I currently possess.

Circumstances are mere excuses, a means of escape.
There is always something that we can do HERE and NOW.

From Where You Came, You Shall Return To

2010-01-23T22:08:00.005+08:00

Orang berbudi, kita berbahasa,
Alam memberi, manusia menerima.

Namun sejauh manakah manusia mampu menerima sekiranya alam sudah tiada apa-apa lagi yang mampu diberi?

Explanation: I am speaking to a Malay friend of mine as I am typing this post hence the urge to use the Malay Language. =)

My father did a pretty decent job trimming the tree in our so-called garden today. As I was helping him to clear away the beautiful green trimmings, it was almost painful to just imagine them being carried away in a truckload of other trash from around the neighbourhood (the "trash", I believe, really are mostly recyclable material and organic wastes which deserve far better treatment than to be dumped in a landfill, taking their time to decompose to release the absolutely unnecessary methane gas - which reminds me; I am still thinking of ways to reduce the amount of trash produced in my home). So we proceeded to act green - taking the trimmings to a roadside land near our house and spreading the greens over the greens and browns of nature, where a little tree stood, nodding in thankfulness as it pondered upon the abundant nitrogenous nutrients it would, in time, obtain. (Perhaps a little too heavy on the personification here.)

As grateful as the little tree is, I bow to it in greater humility and gratitude for it is with it that I began my green adventure. It is my prayer that my adventure would blossom with the fruitful growth of this little tree.

Someone on the series "Big Ideas For A Small Planet" once said that being environment conscious is like catching the flu bug. There is no cure to it.

I wish not for a cure. There should not be a cure anyway.

Going green generates genuine goodness!

Thou Shalt Cross The Finish Line If Thou Hath Chooseth To Begin The Journey

2010-01-21T13:18:00.010+08:00

I began reading "The Harmony Silk Factory" only to pass my time, never thinking that I would actually finish the book anytime soon. Not one to leave an author's work halfway interpreted, I intended to finish the book, but perhaps over a longer period of time, simply because I kept falling asleep after every few pages, regardless of time and location. My initial thoughts of the book - pretty long-winded, a little too much elaboration. But I pressed on, knowing that if I wrote a book, I would appreciate it if my readers chose to swallow the contents up till the very last word. They need not digest them, but leaving a plate of food unfinished is definitely quite a blow to the chef in me. An unfinished book is analogous to unfinished food left to rot, oxidised by the air and moisture. Unless of course, if the food is exceptionally bad or contains inedible poison. "The Harmony Silk Factory" is definitely not in that category. In fact, now that I have finished the book, I would justify the fiction by saying that the reader would need to swallow all of its contents to allow them to be digested. One needs to read the whole book in order to comprehend the essence of the entire story. And that essence is a strong one. Having experimented with multiple first person's point of view throughout a story myself (which I failed as I ended up confusing my readers, but I still take pride in the fact that I made an attempt =p), Mr. Tash Aw basically managed to manifest himself into three different persons as he wrote his story. The emotions and state of mind of the three first persons are very marked and very distinct from one another. One is of a child of a father who was a communist, one is of the child's mother before she had the child, another of a close English friend of the communist father. Three completely different characters who have greatly varied personal lives, but all of whom are telling their stories which revolve around that one man who chose communism as his belief. The whole story is very properly inter-related, despite the fact that the story moves back and forth along the timeline, which could be rather confusing but it would not take long for the reader to settle into comprehension.

Random thought #1: I am turning this post into a book review. Did I intend to? I don't suppose so.

Anyway, I personally felt most connection to the third part of the story, which is the English man's first person's point of view. The reasons are vague but I suppose I was more engaged in the story here because of the type of writing used by Tash Aw in this part. Cynicism, symbolism, abrupt transitions, all of which are highly representational of the emotional state of the "I" in the story. Again, I myself love to write in such a manner, so perhaps that is another reason why. However, Mr. Tash Aw is, undoubtedly a qualified writer in every sense and I am just an occasional amateur.

Random thought #2: I think I need to change my title. Amateur but without the occasional.

Random thought #3: I have been typing away, reflecting upon a book that I read, and yet no words come to me as I try writing my personal statement for a pre-tertiary education institution application. Could it just be human nature that when we are required to do something, it somehow becomes more difficult than when we do something out of our own free will? If so, I must not succumb to human nature then. It is really not "difficulty" but rather, "procrastination". I choose, out of my own free will, to not procrastinate anymore.

Random thought #4: Green living, enlightened living. I really need to focus and get myself working. The vastness is still there, waiting for me, but I am not moving away from the plateau. Well, no, it is not "not now". It is always now. It has to be now.
(My Mighty Father Above, please grant me the strength and motivation to move in the direction of pursuance. Amen.)

I heard this on the series "Big Ideas For A Small Planet" by the way. I paraphrase, "One of my friends said this, 'If you ever wonder what impact you, as one individual, can possibly make in this world, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito.' We need to be that mosquito."

Every little effort amounts up to something.
The only question left is, when are we beginning ours?

No, Not "Not Now". It Is Always Now.

2010-01-19T12:11:00.006+08:00

Ta
Ta - Ki
Ta - Ki - Ta
Ta - Ka - Di - Mi
Ta - Di - Ki - Na Tum
Ta - Ki - Ta - Ta - Ki Ta
Ta - Ka - Di - Mi - Ta - Ki - Ta
Ta - Ka - Di - Mi - Ta - Ka - Di - Mi

This is the South Indian Rhythmic Solfege which I learned yesterday during the YKLS practice. A truly enlightening hour of Jazz 101.

Thanks to this guy in this video below, I was reminded of my musical inclination towards jazz.

Salutations, Mr. Az Samad,

A little knowledge makes one hunger for more. Will that hunger ever be satisfied? That is a question I have yet to answer.

One thing is definite though. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the creations on Mother Earth. The creation of humankind, the creation by humankind. Music, food, literature, artwork, places, buildings, technology, medicine, illnesses, fears, pollution (physical and non-physical), disasters.

What are we creating today?

A Moment Of Silence, Please.

2010-01-15T21:30:00.005+08:00

"Your works on the lands and waters, I may not comprehend.
But if there is One Definite Truth, Your children are my brothers, Your children are my sisters."

We are all connected by an invisible spiritual blood vessel.
The pain and agony that flow in the veins of our brothers and sisters flow in ours.
The hope and quiet prayers that flow in our veins would flow in our brothers' and sisters' too.

For our brothers and sisters in Haiti,

A moment of silence, please.

Morning Theatre

2010-01-13T12:10:00.007+08:00

I wouldn't fake my appreciation by saying that the housing area I live in has a beautiful backyard. Two rows of houses which backsides face each other, separated by a narrow tarred lane with gates for security at opposite ends is pretty much the only way I can, at this moment, think of describing it. Since my room is located at the back of the house, the backyard is pretty much the first thing I see every morning (excluding whatever that comes into sight the second I awake from sleep). It has been a little more than a month since I began my day by stretching, looking out of the windows at whatever that my eyes choose to wander to. But it is only yesterday that I realised I have been, unknowingly to myself, recognising and becoming accustomed to the presence of a family of four birds in the backyard. Actually, I am not too sure myself if they are a family. I doubt they are. I am not too sure even if they are always the same four birds. This I think they are. But I am not into ornithology so I am not able to tell with conviction. Anyway, every morning, the four birds would always be around, perched somewhere along the electric cables or on the roofs of my neighbours' houses. Perhaps there are more than four of them, but four is always what I see. If I could speak animal or even speak bird, I would love to say a word of gratitude to these four birds. As I do my morning stretches and twists, my room windows serve as a television box, and I am tuning into the backyard channel with the daily broadcast of "The Antics Of The Four Birds". I do not know how many of us actually take the time to watch the birds near our houses, but I think it really is quite a pleasant entertainment. More than that, it simply brings a sense of tranquil. Not all of us have the knowledge to understand their actions and behaviours but we all possess the power of imagination, the beauty of creating. So I took the liberty of composing my own interpretation and truthfully, allowing our minds to enter a state of fantasy first thing in the morning is a pretty awesome way to start any day! We could even take a step further by listening and paying attention to the sounds of the morning, incorporating the audio elements into our self-generated stories of "The Morning I Woke Up". In my case, the chirping of the birds is my morning sound. I am thankful for a quiet neighbourhood (or rather, a quiet backyard) because that allows me to direct my focus to the natural songs sung by the natural flying family, which I now acknowledge as a company to my morning routine. There really is nothing more calming than paying attention to the sounds of our surroundings, wherever we are. Even in the noisiest of situations, if we choose to shut off sight and enlarge our hearing capacity, we could still gain some form of tranquil. Perhaps when we master the art of listening,we would also learn what I would term as selective hearing. Then we could shut off sounds which are disturbing and amplify sounds which are pleasing and Feed Ones. But this is, of course, just another one of my random wandering thoughts. For now, I am grateful for my mornings simply for being the way they are.

Pay attention. Imagine. Create.=)

Want, Need, Should

2010-01-12T13:52:00.008+08:00

This morning, as I began my day with a prayer of gratitude, I realised that there really is not anything in the current state of my life that I can rant or fret about. I reflected upon the "issues" that I have to deal with and finally came upon the light of seeing that the "issues" are not "issues" after all.

I attended my first practice with the Young KL Singers (YKLS) yesterday and with utmost conviction I can announce in pride that I have not made a wrong decision. Granted this opportunity to be part of a group of people who share a common passion for singing and music, I know that I have created for myself a journey which would be enriched with new friends and fresh experiences, be they be in performing or working with others, social enlightenment, or musical and artistic enhancements within myself. As time takes its course, I would also take my course of change, hopefully also inviting Ones along the way. Knowing now what the whole year plan of events is in the YKLS, I am genuinely excited to be treading upon this path which I am yet to be familiar with, wanting to participate in everything that is on the calendar. My selfishness is disillusioning me into thinking that it is possible. However, my conscience and sensibility is telling me otherwise. The "issue" is, I am in an education limbo. Still not knowing where I will be when my pre-tertiary education begins and the academic schedule which I would be attached to, I have no decision control over my participation in any of the major events which have been planned. In fact, I do not even know if I could still be in this wonderful group which I have been given the opportunity to be in. Pondering upon this situation, I did wonder if I had made a wrong decision when I set my mind upon auditioning to be a member of the YKLS.

But as I said my thanks this morning, gratitude drew upon me the light to see that what I have viewed as a potential reason for regret, anger and frustration is really an occurence which is subtly teaching me to make picometres of changes to myself and the way I perceive situations. If I have viewed my position in the education limbo as an obstacle to the path of learning and freshness which YKLS offers, I now find myself to be very fortunate because my so-called "issues" are about things that I actually love doing. One is pursuing my dream in psychology and another is pursuing my passion in music and singing, which basically means that whatever I decide, I am still embracing my desires and passions. Going deeper into the situation, my dilemma is actually training me to be more matured and sensible in making decisions which would affect the future, near or far. My desires would bring me to make rash decisions which would eventually cause anger and irritation. On the flip side, using my logical reasoning and rationale, perhaps there will be some disappointment but at least I can take comfort in knowing that the decision is the best I can make in the here and now. Who could tell, perhaps through this decision, I would somehow open my life up to far more beauty, which I could carry along in my bagpack of gratitude.

As unwilling as we are to admit this fact, there truly is a bright side to everything. If we will ourselves to ponder and to allow situations to speak for themselves, perhaps then it will be possible to convert every happening, good or bad, as an experience to Feed Ones. And our bagpacks of gratitude would be more than willing to accept more and more Ones into its family of acknowledgement and thankfulness.

We Can Heal

2010-01-05T13:44:00.004+08:00

I always feel, even as a child, that elephants' eyes tell things. There is a certain nostalgia that is reflected by them, perhaps even wisdom. While that may only be a creation of what my eyes choose to see and what my mind chooses to decipher, this video (and a few others I have watched) gives evidence that elephants are more than just Earth's largest land animals.

Anyone could utter these words meaninglessly, "Nature has so much to offer". In reverse, what can we offer nature? Our Mother we are living on now has and still is protecting us in Its silent, noble ways. Are we, as children, doing what we could to protect Her?

She is still graciously serving Her children despite the ills which we have inflicted upon Her.

I owe Her too big an apology. It is so big that merely saying it would be pointless.
Actions speak louder than words.
I am going to live up to that maxim.

2010: Can We Finally Walk The Talk?

2009-12-30T13:46:00.005+08:00

When the clock strikes 0000 hours, marking the time that belongs to both the 31st of December 2009 and the 1st of January 2010, planet Earth and all of its inhabitants will be celebrating a brand new year. A brand new year is, without a doubt, a good thing. Good for recreating hopes and dreams which were abandoned halfway through 2009, good for building resolutions and setting new and perhaps higher targets. In fact, a new year is, simply put, good for a brand new beginning. It is like going back to square one in a Snakes & Ladders game, but on to a new board, where previous falls and losses are left behind, where the snakes and ladders are arranged in a different manner, allowing the player to have new hopes and new moves to advance all the way to square one hundred.

Question: If it was possible for our so-called resolutions and dreams which we created at the beginning of 2009 to dissipate into thin air even before anything is achieved, why couldn't it be the same way too in 2010?

I myself am a victim of this vicious cycle. Year after year, I store in my conscious mind a list of "What I Want to Do & Achieve". Year after year, the list remains unchecked or perhaps, on a brighter side, mostly unchecked. Most of the time, I blame "circumstances" such as time inadequacy, parental disagreement, etc. Sometimes, I blame myself for procrastinating, for being lazy, for not being persevering enough, which really are common factors we all face when attempting to achieve our resolutions. But all this blaming, ultimately, results in self-pity and that's where the fall begins. Self-pity leads to self-indulgence which leads to selfishness. I have learned that anything that is done on the basis of self-importance does not give lasting satisfaction. And when we realise there is no more satisfaction, we give in to luring temptations and finally fall under the coax of "I will do this tomorrow". Needless to say, tomorrow never comes because tomorrow remains everyday, as tomorrow.

This is not saying though, that making resolutions is pointless and unrealistic. In fact, it is not unrealistic at all. The only factor that causes our resolutions to be unrealistic is the way we choose to make them. Many of us make big, major-sized resolutions which excite us at the moment of creation. As days pass, excitement evolves into an overwhelming sense of impossibility. Not only that, if we take the time to analyse the root of our resolutions, we should really question ourselves, "Why do I want to do this?" Most answers would point back to the questioner herself or himself.

Logically thinking, if one is not able to reach square one hundred in one throw of the dice, one should make paces, up the ladder and down the snakes. Similarly, if we are aware that we are not able to achieve the sky high dreams we set for ourselves in one go, wouldn't it be more feasible to make daily resolutions instead, small, minor ones, as we open our eyes to greet the sunshine of everyday? No humans are super, even aeroplanes need to ascend gradually till they reach the intended height. Perhaps if we spare ourselves a little time every morning to think about what we want to achieve, just simple things, such as making sure we say our thank you's and how do you do's, we would actually be able to realise our hope of wanting to live a life of gratitude and respect.

When making these daily resolutions, perhaps it would also be helpful to reflect upon why we make them. Do I want to live a life of gratitude and respect because I want to be happy and to feel good about myself or because I want my happiness to be felt by those I come in contact with? Do I want to participate in a certain charity organisation because I want people to know that I am not selfish and so I would feel better about myself or because I know that by interacting with someone or something else, directly or indirectly, I am making a difference for that someone or something, even if it is just a seemingly insignificant one? I am not sure myself as to what makes a life of serving to be able to bring more contentment than a life of satisfying our own needs. Perhaps when we are able to make the slightest difference to something or someone, there is this invisible thread of connection that binds two together. So the more our interaction, the more the number of connections. And perhaps these connections rejuvenate us, opening our hearts and minds to see the beauty that is contained in our surroundings, in people and in life's daily happenings.

Ultimately, resolutions, daily or monthly or yearly, big or small, should be constantly accompanied by gratitude. Being thankful is teaching me to be humble. Practising gratitude in every little thing that I remember to be thankful for, I am realising beauty I have not had the gratifying eyes to see before this. In fact, for having the words to write this blog post, my gratitude goes out to Mr. Bob Greene (who gave the idea of making daily resolutions in the Rachael Ray show I watched this morning) and Mr. Jason Mraz (who is an uplifter of a life of acknowledgement and gratitude). Being inspired about life philosophy from the television and from an artiste's blog may seem a little ungrounded. The question here is, to what extent would we go to to make 2010 a more fruitful year? And believe me, the possibilities are beyond our imagination.

I am publishing this post as a constant reminder to myself of the boundless possibilities that I would be granted with in 2010 through the resolutions I create. If, by any chance, anyone stumbles upon this post, I am thankful for the person who is reading for he or she is spending time to share with me, my little discovery.

Have an enlightening time creating your 2010!

Reversible, It Is.

2009-12-28T12:45:00.003+08:00

My sister showed me this video and I thought it is worth sharing.

Ponder. To reverse, we may choose.

More Than Just A Man With Two Jobs

2009-12-16T22:19:00.013+08:00

In my opinion, working two jobs in a day everyday is no easy feat. Working two jobs in a day everyday with equal zest and abundance of energy therefore defies my logic of the human capacity. In this case, one man has defeated the barrier of my self-created limitations. This is his story, told through my blessed encounters with him.

The writer remembers not of the details of the day she first met him but the memory of the man himself is a clear one, not of his physical appearance, but the clearly pronounced words which emanated from within him with such soothing audibility.

Watching her mother walking to a counter where cash competition entry forms are filled, clutching a few of those in her hand, the writer notices her mother was followed casually by a man. She hears the words "Wah, so many already ar?" uttered with genuine friendliness through the windscreen of the car she was sitting in. At that moment, the writer's thoughts about the man were merely passing ones, generally disregarding the warmth which he portrayed. But the memory was never erased. Unconsciously, as the writer and her mother left the petrol station, she was also storing this image and this voice in the spaces of her unknowing mind.

Five days later, in a cosily furnished restaurant, a waiter came to the writer's and her family's table to collect the dirty dishes. A familiar voice spoke with a very familiar clarity and audibility in his words, "Hi, may I collect these bowls? Thank you." The writer turned to the voice and gazed upon a face she was quite sure she had seen before. But as she attempted recalling the time and place she had seen the man, her memory bits served her too poorly. Time ticked and as she dug deeper into her mind spaces, she finally found the image and voice she had unconsciously stored five days earlier, as she was leaving the petrol station. An initial sense of relief for having solved the bugging familiarity came upon the writer, which was soon to be replaced with a level of respect with the occurence of the following conversation between her mother and the man. (The writer had exclaimed her revelation earlier to her mother, the only one in her family who had also seen the man before.)

"Eh, do you work in the petrol station there?"

"Yeah, how you know ar?"

"I saw you mah."

"Really? When ar? Yeah, I actually work two jobs. I do marketing in the petrol station. Actually last time I work there from 7 to 7. But now I just work from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. Then I have two hours of rest and work here from 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. At first they wanted me to work full time here but I tell them cannot lah because I still need to work there right. My boss is ok with me working here part time also. He also got ask me whether I can manage or not lah because two jobs right. Haha, see lah, I hope my energy is enough. But at least got two hours' rest so ok lah. I must manage my timing lah."

Then the family and the writer left, leaving that short encounter as the last till now. The writer had never spoken to the man, the man would not have noticed the writer. But she now knew the man as one whom she quietly grew her respect for.

"The man", till now, remains as "the man" for I have never found out what his name is. That encounter also remains as the last till now. An average man on the outside, but definitely not one on the inside. Just the clarity and audibility as well as energy and genuinity in his words are enough to portray his zest for life, despite now having to work two jobs a day, everyday. Exactly what holds this man up, I have yet to know. I wonder if I will ever know. I wonder if I will ever meet him anymore. But I know one thing - "the man" is living Jason Mraz's song - Live High, Live Mighty, Live Righteously. And as a secret admirer, I can only pray that wherever life takes him to, he would always preserve his humility and that his energy would be flowing in such abundance to carry him up as high and as mighty as he could, keeping righteousness as a constant guide. As for myself, the two brief encounters with "the man" is One which I am gladly adding into my bagpack of gratitude.

There is no denying though that perhaps the warmth shown by "the man" was out of his sense of responsibility for his job in the marketing sector in which public relations skills are of high importance. Then again, to maintain that same level of zest and energy in both his jobs with only a two-hour break is, I reckon, already a challenge on its own. Two encounters are, without doubt, inadequate for me to make any judgements, but they are definitely an evidence of his dedication to his jobs. Isn't that already an example we can all look up to?

Never forget the importance of living with unbridled exhilaration. Never neglect to see the exquisite beauty in all living things. Today, and this very moment, is a gift. Stay focused on your purpose. The Universe will take care of everything else.

- from "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari" by Robin S. Sharma

Simple Thrills: There Is So Much We Can Learn

2009-12-11T12:29:00.015+08:00

To these creative souls who have served to add just a little more colour to a life they have unknowingly touched, I extend my deepest gratitude.

How adorable, how simple, how childish, and yet how optimistically true.

- Bill Watterson (Calvin & Hobbes)

- Craig Bartlett (Hey Arnold!)

- The team at Les' Copaque (Upin & Ipin)

Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And everytime a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth - box of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination.

- Robert Fulghum

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.

- Albert Einstein

If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The Vastness & The Bagpack

2009-12-09T12:07:00.007+08:00

Counted simply, I went in and out of the school hall 23 times within these two months, summing up to 23 papers. I thought it would be a pull through that period, but having officially ended secondary education, it really was more of a journey towards a new beginning. As 23 went down to 22 to 21 and finally to 0, as I descended the hill of exam, I was climbing up the plateau to a fresh phase. And now that I have reached the flat top, my vision is set upon a vastness I have yet to but am truly eager to explore. This vastness is rejuvenating, this vastness is refreshing, not in the slightest bit intimidating. Perhaps it is a will of my childishness to look upon a future so uncertain as Land O' Plenty. If that is the case, childish be me then. Looking upon this vastness that spreads before me, I'd rather embrace it than to endure it.

As I now stand at the peak of this plateau, I carry with me a bagpack of gratitude. Be it the period of 23 to 0, or the period to 23, or even the period after 0, I have much to be grateful for. All the little Ones which or whom have accompanied me through every day of living, each had and perhaps still is imprinting tracks of gracious deeds on the land I am travelling on. This bagpack I am carrying is a bottomless one, simply because there is so much gratitude I can and will put in it. As this bagpack gets heavier, then I know that I am that bit more enlightened.

This vastness is one that I am learning to embrace and this bagpack of gratitude is one that I will never cease to carry with me. Perhaps it is through this vastness that I am given the opportunity to make more bagpacks of gratitude to be permanent companions of the Ones who are and will be a part of my peristalsis.

With utmost childishness,
"I'm ready!"

Entanglement of Truths

2009-10-01T17:14:00.010+08:00

It did not rain today. Not yet, perhaps. But it did yesterday and the day before yesterday, which I, thankfully, took notice of and I managed to offer that well-deserved glance to the One with the Hand of Water. Thank you very much rainfall!

It has been raining pretty often lately, but it did not rain today. I wonder if that, by any chance, is a climatic enhancement to the emotional progression of my day. It may all be mere coincidence but somehow, it is a rather pleasing thought - the weather changes to complement my day. It is like being able to communicate with the Ones from Above and All Around.

Is life so wretched? Isn't it rather your hands which are too small, your vision which is muddled? You are the one who must grow up.
- Dag Hammarskjold

Self-pity has always been a part of my life and myself. As much as I know it is an unhealthy thought, let alone practice, I have never taken the first step to remove it. Simply because indulging in self-pity somehow brings comfort. Fake comfort.

Today, once again, I have committed that self-disintegrating practice. I have used the words "the accumulation of different things" as a reason to my tearing, but really, at the very basic of matters, it is self-pity. While I do take the full blame (very rightfully) for the goings-on in my life now, in a deceiving way, it is also a form of escapism from what IS happening, caused by the very choices and decisions of mine. In other words, I am using the truth to escape the truth. And I would keep going around in this entanglement of truths, up to a point when the tangle is too difficult to undo. I AM NOT LETTING THIS HAPPEN. It may be difficult to remove self-pity, something so naturally contained in every individual, but I think we all have a lesson to learn here - self-pity redraws us gradually into our nooks and corners of so-called "comfort" which are really dark pits of gloom in disguise. Escapism which leads to imprisonment.

By publishing this post, I am making a vow to myself - I must grow up. Waxing melancholic is really just a dramatisation of self-indulgence. Having trapped myself within the confines of self-pity for all these time, perhaps it is high time now to release myself from the tangle before I become a prisoner of myself.

It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it.
- Lena Home

This is not another Dawn of Realisation but rather, an intended effort which has been dormant for too long and is now sparked by both the meeting of time and people.
And one of the Ones whom I must gratify for this illumination is my very dear Leavay. She may not realise the immensity of her actions but at times, a mere presence is all it takes to soothe and in this particular case, also to realise. Simple deeds make us learn.
Also to another two Ones, Geetha (or Heetha) and Esther (Elxy). They have nothing to do with today but somehow, they have always been an awesome sponge for absorbing my rants of self-pity. And to Mun Li, for having been so strong (So why shouldn't I?) as well as Pn. Ong and Pei Ling, simply for being concerned. This is difficult to say, but I cannot leave out Pn. Inthirani because if it was not for her, I would not have delved into self-pity anyway. Four other precious Ones are Pn. Raja, Pn. Manmeet, Pn. Tan and Pn. Judy. Also completely uninvolved but somehow, I know that I am doing this, to a certain extent, because of them and also for them. And for my family. And for all the Ones whom I know and am yet to know.

With gratitude and determination,
Untangling.

The One with the Hand of Water

2009-09-28T22:48:00.007+08:00

It rained quite heavily when I was in school today. Sudden pour which didn't last for long. Happens pretty often. But it was not until today that I noticed how, when it rains, a place, an object, a person, anything - would look as if they are further away compared to days when sunshine decides to watch over us closely. I have always noticed the tranquil and sense of calmness that rainfall brings, but never this. Yet, despite the distance, that place, that object, that person, that something - feels more welcoming, warmer. (This gets me thinking - are romantic scenes more romantic when that couple who have braved all odds are finally able to share love's unification under the blessings of the One with the Hand of Water? Compare that to the One with the Hand of Rays. But I'm referring specifically to movie-making here. Life has so much to offer in every beautiful location, each in its own distinct way.)

I failed to do one thing today, though. I failed to look up after rainfall decided to shower upon another land. I simply forgot. Perhaps "forgot" is an understatement. I didn't bother to. I simply didn't bother admiring the beauty that was left behind. Perhaps I need to post a note in my books - LOOK UP. THE ONE WITH THE HAND OF WATER WOULD APPRECIATE IT. In fact, I failed to realise (not until now) how I managed to cross the street so easily when school ended today (rain droplets took the place of rainfall). So much for the Dawn of Realisation at school.

Here's an apology to the one I owe my glance:

Mighty waters,
Giving fullness,
Feeding one,
To feed all ones.

Subtle traces,
You leave behind,
Non-glancing faces,
Yet you never mind.

Salutations to the One with the Hand of Water,
Look up.

Peristalsis

2009-09-25T00:30:00.005+08:00

One can be taught but never learn. One can learn although never been taught.

It's refreshing to wonder how the clockworks of life functions at times. If I were to create an analogy to it, I would love to synonymise life as a peristalsis. A continuous wave-like motion which transports the food we consume into our stomachs through the oesophagus. Similarly, I would like to think of life as a motion which just keeps going, pushing down, or rather, taking in whatever that comes along the way, good or bad, which would finally (or not finally) take its path to what would be our future (which, in the case of peristalsis, is what we defaecate).

It's the Raya holidays and nothing much has been happening. But perhaps it is because nothing much has been happening that I actually am able to reflect upon the days which have passed "nothingly". Here's what I recall doing during the past few days:
- Supported my popo by holding her hand (and a teeny weeny bit of pride actually came upon me while walking through the narrow lanes of the morning market).
- Brought an insect (I still don't know what it is called) out of a puddle of water (it is a puddle for the insect, but just a drop for us humans) in which it got its wings stuck in. Perhaps it was my imagination but I thought it actually climbed up to my finger instantaneously.
- Made the decision to sit in the front passenger's seat during one of the journeys to Kulim, Kedah. Apart from the fact that I managed to entertain my brother who was driving through the crawling traffic, I stayed up to actually take notice of all that was happening outside the comfortable confines of the car I was in.
- Accompanied Rocky (a pet dog in popo's house) for a little while and opened a door for it to go to the front porch of the house when it stood up very suddenly.
- Blamed my brother (for the feeblest reason of all reasons) for having to wait quite a while at a hawker's centre, only for "Yi Poh Nga Choi Kai" and some "Kuai Tiu" which was apparently very delicious (which it is).

That's pretty much all I can recall at this particular moment in time, but here's my point.
Simple deeds, good or bad, make us learn. At least, I learned. What I have learned, it's not exactly something that I can just rest my finger on (which is why I didn't include any "moral of the story" in the above list). It was like coming to that one tiny hole which opens up to the small things that make up part of life's one big thing. Ones that make up One. I was not taught per se, but there was a teacher all along. Perhaps life itself is the teacher. If that is so, then we are our own teachers. How wonderful it is to have the freedom to mark our own assignments and to judge our own work! In my case, simple deeds was the teacher and I was privileged to be its humble student.

In the name of peristalsis,
Cheers. =)

The Here & Now Named Beginning

2009-09-19T01:35:00.000+08:00

The weight of silence envelopes like a blanket.
Good, quiet silence.

Then emerges the soft laughter of triads.

Tickling triads - we now begin.